


How to Train Your Douche

by Vertolina



Series: Even The Devil Needs A Friend [3]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Gen, Lucifer is a weird friend, Not Beta Read, One Shot, but a good one nonetheless, i have no idea how to tag this, this bromance will be the death of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 22:17:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10397406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vertolina/pseuds/Vertolina
Summary: Lucifer tries to teach Dan a new trick.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this ficlet was supposed to be just a short mention in another ficlet but it felt odd in the narrative so I cut it out. However, I didn’t want to throw it away so… ta da!  
> I honestly can’t believe how much I’ve fallen in love with these two.  
> About the title… Well, I saw an opportunity and I took it. I’m not even sorry :D  
> I want to say a big, big THANK YOU to everyone who comments, leaves kudos or just reads my little fanfics! This means the world to me!  
> And, of course, sorry for the mistakes you will most certainly find.

It was a morning like any other when it all started. Dan was clinging to his first cup of coffee for the day, trying to force his still sleeping brain to concentrate on the report he had to finish. Lucifer descended the stairs and immediately shot a glance at him with a wide smile on his face. It had become a habit for the club owner to sit on the man’s desk for a while before proceeding to join his _actual_ partner. Dan absent-mindedly returned his friend’s cheerful greeting and silently wondered how anyone could be so exuberant at such an early hour.

“Look, man, I’m up to my ears in work so…” The detective lifted his gaze and made a quite distinctive gesture showing he would like to have the full capacity of his desk back. It was then when his eyes met Lucifer’s and suddenly the only thought occupying his mind was the memory of the dream he’d had that night. Charlotte Richards was standing half-naked on his doorstep, seductively biting her bottom lip and... And he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about that. It was a fluke, likely caused by sleep deprivation and the woman’s constant presence at the precinct. Dan’s whole being was screaming for him to take control of his wayward thoughts, realizing the reaction the club owner would have to this particular dream, but something inside of him was just so _eager_ to share every naughty detail. Luckily, before he had the chance to win a well-deserved punch in the face, Chloe’s voice echoed from across the hall, calling for Lucifer, and undoubtedly saved him from impending pain and humiliation.

A few hours later, Dan was still trying to figure out what had gotten into him when it happened again. His friend appeared out of nowhere, rested his right hand on his left shoulder and locked their eyes together. But this time the first thing that appeared on his mind was the overwhelming desire to beat the crap out of one of the suspects he had interrogated earlier. Before he could even get a full grasp of the situation he heard his own voice babbling his violent thoughts to the club owner. Lucifer just smiled gently, nodded and made a silly joke about Dan’s desperate need of some yoga exercises.

The next three days were blissfully devoid of strange mental occurrences and the detective had completely forgotten about the two little incidents involving his weird friend. That was until he met Lucifer’s intense glare on the staircase and the next thing he was aware of was that he was leaning toward the tall man, ridiculously close to his neck and was _inhaling his cologne_.

“Uh… I… Um… I’m sorry! I just… really like this scent.” He could feel a wave of embarrassment threatening to suffocate him but Lucifer just chuckled gleefully and patted his shoulder.

A few hours later he found a bottle of Straight to Heaven by By Kilian awaiting him on his desk.

“For our one month anniversary… Well, technically it’s tomorrow but you know my opinion on postponing pleasurable surprises.” Lucifer’s grin was something between devilishly naughty and childishly excited.

“What anniversary?”

“Of our friendship, of course. Have you forgotten?” The pain, trembling in the man’s voice was obviously pretended but Dan couldn’t help feeling a little guilty.

“I didn’t know we had a specific date marking the… uh… event.”

“Ah, yes, right. Well, I consider it to be that lovely day when you shared with me the delicious cookies you had baked with your spawn. I mean, it was then when you actually _said_ the words so I guess that should be, you know, official enough.” There was nervous anticipation in his dark eyes that made the detective’s heart hurt for him. _How many friends did Lucifer actually have?_

“Look, man, uh… I mean, I appreciate it and all but this” he gestured toward the expensive perfume, “is too much”.

“Nonsense, Daniel! You said you liked it.”

“Yeah, but, I can’t get you anything _remotely_ similar. I can’t accept…”

“Sure you can accept it! And if you want to make us even, you can accompany me for a drink tonight.” Lucifer smiled disarmingly and Dan had no other option but to nod.

“Alright then.”

_______

It was another semi regular occurrence – Dan hanging at Lux. The bartender served him before he could even open his mouth to order.

“Thanks, Tim!”

“Sure thing. The boss should be here any minute now.”

As promised, Lucifer appeared a few moments later and greeted his friend with a smile. Couple of young, barely even clothed women, sitting close to them giggled cheerfully.

“What do you think?” The club owner made a suggestive look regarding the two beautiful creatures and stared deeply into the man’s eyes. Suddenly, the detective felt a familiar pressure threatening to draw the most secret desires out of his mind.

“What the hell, man?” It caused him a lot of effort and a remarkable force of will to manage to avert his eyes. “Are you really doing that weird mind trick of yours on me?”

Despite man’s frustration, Lucifer seemed genuinely pleased.

“Yeah, and you’re getting better.”

“Better at what?”

“Well, fighting it, of course!” Lucifer clicked his glass with Dan’s and gave him a smile full of pride.

“Huh?” The detective was somewhat used to his friend’s poor judgement when it came to appropriate behavior but that was crossing a line. “What, you’ve decided to use me as a guinea pig or something? Interesting perception of friendship, man.”

“Oh, no, Daniel! I wasn’t using you! I was trying to _train_ you. Well, your _brain_ if we have to be precise.”

“Train me? Of course! So I’m not a guinea pig but a dog! My bad! That sounds so much _better_!”

“No, nothing of the sort. I was… I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

A humorless laughter shook the detective’s chest. “Is that _really_ your idea of an apology?” Without a second glance at the club owner he put his glass on the bar and tried to make his way to the exit.

“Dan, wait! I can explain!” And there it was again – the look so painfully resembling the one of a lost puppy. “Don’t be mad!”

The detective let out a deep and long-drawn sigh. “Fine. I’m listening.”

“Not here.” Lucifer nodded toward the elevator and the other man reluctantly followed him to the penthouse above Lux.

The ride up was awkwardly silent but Dan had to admit that it was remarkable how a six-foot-three tall guy could somehow appear small and harmless in the closed space. It was hard to stay mad at him when he was acting like a scolded child.

As soon as the elevator doors slid open and let them both out, the detective folded his arms across his chest and hissed. “Ok. Explain.”

“Right. Well, the thing is I’ve had this idea for a while now. Ever since you managed to fight Azr…” The club owner coughed loudly and changed his approach. “I mean, I’ve seen the signs that your mind might be stronger than normally expected and I wanted to explore that. For you.”

“For me? How is messing with my brain to entertain your own weird ideas _for me_?!”

“I wasn’t messing with it. I told you, I was trying to train you. Make you more… resilient.”

“Resilient? To what? Your… your _power_?” Some distant but still rational part of Dan’s consciousness was convinced this whole conversation was just a ridiculous dream and he was about to wake up any moment. He had accepted that Lucifer indeed had a weird set of abilities but having the man experiment with them on him seemed way too surreal to be actually happening.

“Exactly! Look, I’m not sure it would work. No one has ever managed to… achieve that. Well, except for the Detective but she’s been immune from the very start. I thought that if I make you fight it enough times, you… your mind will get stronger and eventually shake it off.”

“But why?”

“What do you mean why?” Lucifer seemed genuinely confused by the question and Dan had to suppress the desire to hit him.

“Why are you suddenly so hell-bent on making me… _resilient_? You’re the only freak with such abilities that I know of. Restrain yourself from using them on me and we’ll be fine.”

“But, Daniel… Don’t you want to know that you’ll always have control over your own mind? I appreciate the trust you have in me, but… if you can be truly free, why would you want to depend on someone else’s good intentions?”

The detective could only stare at him silently for what felt like a few minutes. When he finally managed to speak his voice was but a whisper. “So you want me to be… free? Whatever that means.”

“Yes.”

“So if that’s all for my own good, why didn’t you ask me first?”

“I… I probably should have.” Lucifer’s gaze went to inspect the floor for a moment unit he managed to find the right thing to say. “I’m sorry!” He hesitated for a moment before proceeding frankly, “I was worried you’d say ‘no’.” 

“You were probably right to do so.” Considering the man’s rueful expression, Dan changed the tone. “You really think I can do this?”

The tall guy beamed at the question and suddenly his arm was wrapped around the detective’s shoulders gently pushing him toward the bar. “Well, of course, Daniel! Why else would I be doing this?”

“And in the process you won’t _make_ me do anything I don’t want to.”

“For the millionth time, Dan, I don’t have power over people’s actions!” The club owner rolled his eyes with exasperation but his voice remained calm. “However, I do promise I won’t laugh or use against you anything you confess to me.” A shadow of a smile curved his lips as he winked at the still confused man. It took the detective a few more minutes to adjust his brain to the completely absurd situation he had found himself in.

“Ok. Fine.” No common sense or logic could explain why Dan was putting his trust in that weirdo, but then again, their very friendship was one of the most unlikely phenomena to ever occur in his life. Besides, something beyond his comprehension, the silent voice of his intuition perhaps, was telling him that the man standing beside him would never deliberately hurt him… _much_. He chuckled at Lucifer’s astonished look (one he could imagine mirrored his own) and added quickly. “But if I say we stop, we stop.”

“Deal.”

________

“For the Insta. Smile, Dan!” The detective was squeezed in a rather enthusiastic embrace as the other man pulled out his phone and attempted to take a selfie of them. “I said _smile_!” Dan complied with the demand and a moment later he was free from the bone-crushing hug but not from Lucifer’s affection. “I knew it! I knew you could make it! Hey, Detective, your ex told me to go screw myself!” The overwhelming pride in his friend’s voice reminded Dan of the wonderful day his daughter had called him “dada” for the first time and he chuckled at the bizarre comparison.

“Whatever makes you tick, Lucifer!” Chloe rolled her eyes though not without a fond smile and focused her attention back on the file she was reading.

The truth was that if his head didn’t hurt so much, Dan would probably be as ecstatic as the club owner was. It had taken two weeks to achieve the desirable result but he had finally looked Lucifer in the eyes and, despite the pressure blurring his mind, had managed to tell him to, well, go screw himself. The detective was sure it would take him at least another two weeks to recover from the mental exhaustion but he was somehow convinced that the next time it would be easier to overcome the force consuming his consciousness. If there was next time at all. Lucifer seemed satisfied so Dan could imagine that the experiment was over. As the thought occurred to him, an unexpected feeling, strangely similar to sadness, suddenly took hold of his being. He didn’t want to admit it but he had enjoyed the mental exercises with his friend.  It wasn’t just that the effort to resist Lucifer’s mojo (the club owner never gave any proper explanation to exactly _how_ he was doing his trick) had somehow improved his general focus, his memory and even sleep pattern. It was that that for every slightly more embarrassing detail he had shared, his friend had provided a fact from his own life as compensation (how his brother Michael used to visit him after their dad had kicked him out of the house, just to mock him for his failure; how much he missed his sister Azrael even though he had always been secretly afraid of her; how he never thought someone would care for him if he wasn’t all powerful and fearsome; how he believed he wasn’t worthy of such affection). It was during those moments - the moments the other man had allowed him to look through the glamorous façade into his wounded soul - that he had felt truly close to him, seen him as someone worthy of the love of the woman, who had once meant the world to him, and had finally fully accepted as a friend he would cherish.

“So… let’s say next week, we do it again, yeah?” Lucifer’s cheerful voice interrupted his thoughts and Dan blinked densely in the other man’s direction.

“What?”

“Well, a single success is no reason to get lazy, my dear Daniel. You still need practice to stay in shape. So… next week?”

“Yeah," the detective bit back a smile and nodded at his somewhat weird, occasionally annoying, but undoubtedly exceptional companion. "Okay. Next week it is.”

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda feel the need to explain Luci’s decision to help Dan overcome his power. So I thought of the thing he said to Linda, that “being vulnerable means you’re at someone else’s mercy”. When it comes to Lucifer’s friendships with humans, Dan seems to be the one being at the greatest disadvantage in the relationship. Chloe is… well, you know… she’s everything to Lucifer; Linda is the voice of reason and Lucifer (and his entire kin) respects her advices; even Ella provides forensic knowledge that apparently the Devil doesn’t have stashed in his brain. Meanwhile, Dan is just Dan. Even if Lucifer was just a regular guy (and not an actual fallen angel) he would still be a ridiculously rich and handsome man who is pursuing Dan’s ex-wife and the mother of his child. In fact, Luci and Dan are supposed to be natural enemies. But they aren’t (thank you, writers, you’re the best!). So I thought what it would be if Lucifer (perhaps with a little help from Linda) came to realize that Dan deserves better, that he wants them to be equals so they can really be true friends. So in this fic his decision partly comes from a place of curiosity (to find out whether it’s actually possible) and partly is based on desire to rid himself of an advantage he has over his friend. And maybe, he thinks that a stronger mind would have a better copying mechanism when it comes to accepting divinity (who knows) :D


End file.
